Thursday, May 31, 2012

Error and Holy Hell!

OK. I need to specify a point in the post below. My husband was confused. He thought that Bea Arthur's character was "Rose". OK. time for some science! technology!
Oh Boy - just in case you can't tell the difference - pictured above is ole brown eyes herself - Dorothy.

Uncanny! Boy does Fran have a eye for detail! Bravo, Fran!

So today I was being reflective. Thoughtful. Thinking PROFOUND things. Things that are like, wow.
I should get PAID to think for people. World peace - solved in a day! A DAY, PEOPLE! 

So. I began to think that the basis for this show is kinda silly. I mean, really. 4 women living together - two of them a mother and daughter?! absurd! who would come up with this shiz?!?! then i saw this:
don't watch the video. it will just slow everything down and take minutes out of your life. minutes you will NEVER get back.

Anywho. For serious. WHO the hell came up with this?  Short answer: Susan Harris.Creator of the Golden Girls (and Empty Nest if you give a damn)    Long answer:
Holy Hell!

Things Susan Harris might say:

"And then the dickwad cut me off - so I sped up and followed that motherfucker all the way to his work and watched him as he went inside the building then keyed "DON'T FUCK WITH SUSAN HARRIS " all over the hood of his car. Dick."
"Are you really that stupid or are you one of those people who act this way to get SSI?"
"Is it really that hard to find someone to clean your house who doesn't take a dump in the toilet tank? I mean, yeah, so I paid her next to nothing and threatened to call INS when she didn't skim all the muck off the pool, but come on.  No one does this kind of shit to Julia Roberts."
"I should slap you in the face. shut up for a minute and let me talk. I should slap you just to teach you not to fuck with Susan Harris. I don't give a shit that your my grandma. All the more reason."
"I should punish all of America. I'll get them good. Don't fuck with Susan Harris or you'll get Empty Nested - KA-POW!!"

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Table Talk

Tonight I asked my husband who he thought Rose looked most like. He replied "who in the hell is Rose?" huh. So I said "you know, from the Golden Girls..." "Oh," he says. "Sylvester Stallone."
sigh. I wish everyone was as serious as me. This is science, people! Important research that I am trying to conduct! So. Here is a rare picture of Rose pissed off (I think this is from the dinner theater episode when Blanche steals her earrings, but I could be wrong...)
Dammit Blanche! keep your nasty tom collins drinkin' slutty hands off my earrings!

OK. Comparison  Time:

"Dammit Blanche. I could just smear excrement all over your whorish face"  OK. I admit that went a little too far. Sorry, mom. 

Eh. I could believe that maybe they were siblings, but who cares about that?  Another go ahead. After much deliberation, here is what I came up with:

Blanche, I could claw your lyin' southern belle eyes out for taking my earrings!
I will hunt you down and poop in your yard. also, I will probably bark whenever you drive by. If I get out of the fence, though, watch out!! I will run after your car. Don't worry, I'll be able to find my way home.. Even if my family moves thousands of miles away! WITHOUT using mapquest. Trust me, you don't want to fuck with me, lady.  Give the earrings back.  

Oh, now I am just confused. Too bad google doesn't have any good pictures of sylvester stallone sneering. or with an underbite. oh well. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Valentines Day: A Review

Let me just start by saying that I love this episode. Well, not the beginning or the end, but the middle portion - the reminiscing was good. Which surprises me since I loathe when tv shows get all lazy and do a "memories" episode.
OK. The premise of this episode is that Dorothy, Rose and Blanche all get straight up stood up on Valentines Day. Except for Sophia who has a mystery date with - get this - Julio Englesias! ah cha cha cha.But no one believes her because she is a compulsive liar a la the boy who cried wolf. Shes the senior who cried "We're all out of salami!  hahaha.

 So out comes the ice cream and candy (What? no cheesecake? They always have cheesecake on hand!!!) So they start thinking about Valentines Days past, where - surprise surprise - they have also been dateless. I am really bad at remembering the order of things but there were like 3 memories I think. I think the first one is when Rose books a vacation for the girls over Valentines Day (You fools! Don't you remember what happened last time Rose went to her travel agent??? We've gone OVER this! Are you really too busy substitute teaching, Dorothy, that you couldn't plan the trip? Or Blanche - As far as I can tell you "work" at a museum, maybe doing something insignificant like re-calibrating the turnstiles or buffing the bronzed asses of the statues. Anyway. All I am saying is, sure go ahead and yell at Rose, but really take some responsibility for what ensues, because you KNOW that vacation planning is not a strength of hers. Oh, so they end up at a NUDIST resort (tee hee hee) blah blah blah decide to embrace their nudity and attend the valentines day dinner nude. Uh oh! the only time clothes are required is during meal time - total embarrassment, but ALSO something you would think that would mention at the front desk. Just saying. NEXT!
oh some shitty memory of Sophia's when she was young (note to tv producers - slapping a brown wig on an elderly woman doe not convince us that someone is like, 60 years younger.) NEXT!
um. Im not sure if there was another one... But the last memory is the BEST. trust me.

So the ladies have longtime gentlemen friends who they are going on a cruise with on Valentine's day. They are as giddy as school girls while at the drugstore buying the necessary items. Sunscreen. check. um. I don't what else they bought. um. Tums, maybe? Fiberlax? I don't know. So anyway. They get to the check out and Some one suggests that they buy "protection" oh boy. You just have to see it for yourself. Trust me!

Haha. What, did you just get out of prison? HAHAHAHA.

OK. Relevance time. Remember that this episode aired in 1989. And actually relates quite a bit to a cause that is seriously very near and dear to my heart. So pay attention dammit!
A hem.
Prior to the 1960s and the advent of other forms of birth control, the condom was it. But then things started to change and there were other, more serious risks when knocking boots. Here we go.

1981 was the year that AIDs was first recognized in the United States. No one knew what the hell was going on for many years, and little was being done at first to fund because it was considered to be a result of being a homosexual. Some scientists actually viewed the disease as a sort of "natural selection" with beneficial results - ridding the world of homosexuals. Makes me feel sick...
Enter the Hemophiliacs and the Haitians and the straight men and women and children. Oh, I see. Now the disease matters. Ryan White became a public figure in 1984 when he was denied access to public school due to having AIDS as a result of a blood transfusion. Some serious foot dragging ensues and finally in 1989 AZT drugs became "available" to the public. Not that anyone could afford them.

I remember people being very very scared of AIDS. It took quite some time to even figure out how it was contracted. Then it was a death sentence, no medications, no idea of what it was.

Also! STDs. In 1980 alone, eight new STD pathogens were recognized in the United States. 
Condoms became lifesavers and I am quite pleased that this show recognized that the need to use them transcended age or other demographic categories

So big props to the Golden Girls on this one. And thank YOU for being an educator on social issues.  

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"Sisters": A Dramatic Reenactment

oh boy. was this one of the worst episodes ever. I have to admit that I sat through the whole episode for research's sake, but briefly napped at some points. Or "resting my eyes" as I like to call it. Listen, I don't want you to go through the pain and suffering that I did. So I decided to provide you with a reenactment. Just like people do with the Civil War! (side note to the single ladies - did you know that Civil War reenactments are a great place to pick up men? Its true!Yup, you'll meet some real class acts....) OK, so here we go on our magical journey.
Narration by Allieaiello

*DING DONG* I wonder who in the heck that could be at my, Sophia's, door? Let me just look out the peep hole here.. I cannot believe my eyes! could it be? my sister from Sicily who i can't remember her name!

 Let me in Sophia!!!!! I am Italian and have a bad temper. 

Well, you may as well come in so you don't scare the neighbors.

 Sophia - I came all the way to Miami because I hava a bone to picka with you.
I cannot believe you dared to come into MY home after, um, touching my dear Carlo's butt at that dance at the Stardust ball room in um, 1903. 

I cannot believe you just said that to me Sophia! How dare you! Maybe I came all the way from Sicily to tell you how your Marinara sauce tastes like Ketchup. THE CHEAP KETCHUP THAT IS SPELLED "CATSUP". fucking nasty, Sophia!

dang girl, that is cold. This argument has worn me out. It is already 5:30pm and I must go to sleep. Come on, you can sleep in my bed. 

"yell yell yell ravioli this and that ketchup carlo depression era 39 cent cantaloupe! blah blah blah"

oh. Sophia. we are so old. you have a daughter who belongs to AARP. if we do not resolve this now, we will be buried having never made up. and my sister! my only sister!


Now we are inexplicably happy and Sophia's sister can go back to Sicily. Just in time for the episode to wrap up and the Hallmark channel still has time to show that commercial for urinary incontinence. 


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

You Down With MPB? Yeah, you know me!

I have that damn some stuck in my head. It is only 6:30 in them morning, what the hell do I dream about that I would wake up with that song in my head? huh. Let us not explore that. Well, not right now anyway. You might wonder if you are down with MPB, if you knew what the hell it meant. Male Pattern Baldness, people. Let me tell you what I know. uh.... maybe I shouldn't be writing about something that I don't know anything about. But that's why God invented Google people!
This I will admit, although it is almost as embarrassing as the time I was told that chipmunks were NOT baby squirrels (which blew me away, I mean I was probably 17, 20 I don't know, at the time and I really didn't believe the person. In fact, I went home to confirm with my mom which resulted in further shame. You could just tell by the look on her face. The disappointment in raising an idiot daughter. The wonder of how science, how GOD could allow this person to be a result of the merging of DNA betwixt her and my father - both very intelligent hardworking people) ANY, back to the original admission which is that I can NEVER EVER tell when someone is wearing a toupee. TV makes it seem so obvious "check out that guy's rug!" It is not until the inevitable scene where the conductor takes a bow a the end of Beethoven's fifth, his hairpiece hanging on - barely - by a thread of glue exposing his baldness that I gasp in shock. That wasn't his real hair!??!?! Which is strange because I wouldn't call myself gullible by any means. I am downright suspicious about 85% of the time any given day as a matter of fact and that INCLUDES sleep time. It is just some brain malfunction.  Some bum ass synapse who won't get with the program. So I am, essentially, a toupee maker's dream.

Enter Stanley. Dorothy's scarlet letter of an ex-husband.
I mean - how natural does THAT hair look! He has me fooled. Of course, my memory is not the best - crack kills - so If I had only remembered Stanley from previous episodes, I probably, though not certainly would have been able to deduce that this is a "rug"

Exhibit A:
Well, now it seems kinda obvious, doesn't it? Is that even the same guy? Jesus. And check him out - rocking the Magnum PI stache! Loving it. 100%. Love you, Tom Selleck.

Oh yeah. Cultural relevance. OK, here we go. At the time Stan was rocking his toupee it was virtually the only option for men wanting to deceive others about the MPB. We have come a long way baby!

In 1986, minoxidil was introduced as a potential cure for MPB. a chemical which would either:
A. Give you sky high bloodpressure
B. give you a glowing crown of thick, wavy hair.

eh. I say it was probably a risk worth taking. But, as always 20/20 didn't agree with me.

blah blah blah. We have the brief life and death of the spray paint solution.
Even I know this is a stupid idea. Though may be exciting for huffers. 

Hair club for Men. 

Some other crazy ass shiz.

But, most excitingly, is the surgical solutions! Who doesn't love surgery?!?!? 
Hairmax lazer comb. Sounds fast!
Scalp flap surgery.
Hair transplant surgery. Don't they pull hair from your butt and transplant it to your head? gross.

blah blah blah. I am even starting to bore myself here. 

Anyway, my point is this. As far as I am concerned men can just stay with the roadkill and glue, because I won't be able to tell anyway. Besides, the words "scalp" and "flap" just are not meant to be put together.

I will end today with this:
I was listening to a conversation about drugs "these days" yesterday. These conversations bother me. Oh, drugs these days! When I was young we like to poison our children in utero! With Thalidomide. But nowadays! Meth labs everywhere you turn! The newspaper boy riding his bike past your house, used syringes falling out of his arms as he speeds past. Eh. I just find it to be annoying. So I tune out. Until the conversation turns to bath salts. I imagine a tub - filled to the brim with bubbles filthy teenagers hovering over, snorting the bubbles with straws, collapsing on the fluffy bathmat with murmuring "calgon, take me away..."

I've heard that this is not with bath salts are, but have been too lazy to even google it. and THAT is saying something! Fin. 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Yup, that's it.

Seeing some resemblance here....

Word to Big Bird.

Review: "Vacation" Original Air Date: Nov. 29, 1986

This episode originally aired 2 days after my 6th birthday. Don't feel bad for not getting me anything - I'm over it. My 6th birthday remains the best birthday of all time, with my mom taking me to a fancy lunch inside the department store, Belk Lindsey. Just us girls. And the waitress acted so delighted that it was the most exciting news ever that it was my birthday and then began to guess my age. Was I 9? 10? 11? This was my first exposure of disingenuous flattery. Of course I didn't know it at the time, however, so there you go. Best Birthday ever.
Anyway - Summary! The episode starts with Blanche, Rose and Dorothy bringing their bags to the front door for what is to be a fabulous tropical vacation. Dorothy is obviously worried about leaving her decrepit mother alone and tries one final time to convince her to join them. She denies as she has ulterior motives - romancing the Asian gardener - gasp! I don't remember his name, but I do remember that she lured him into the house by complimenting him on his slug extermination skills and a glass of tang. mmmm tang. he takes her up on the tang and a romance is on the horizon. Meanwhile, the ladies show up at their tropical paradise hotel, which is very stupid and ugly and only has one bed. Really, Rose? You couldn't fucking specify that you needed more than one bed to your travel agent? REALLY? idiot.

So let me describe the room for a moment. Or not. I guess the only funny thing about the room was the vibrating bed. Blanche (of course) inserted a coin and there was a loud alarm. A man busted through the door and began to shake the bed with his foot while singing Guantanamera. And it gets worse. The bathroom, they soon find out is SHARED. With 3 young men who are ageist. Thats right. I said it. Later they bond over the hotel's horrific accommodations and invite the ladies on a sailboat cruise. Now, I originally thought, this is when it is going to get exciting! Surely this will be the young men's attempt to murder the 3 bitchy old ladies and throw them overboard. Foolish Allie! I forgot that it was the 80s! Every boat in the 80s either had an activities director a la the Love Boat, ended up on a stranded island, or was getting ripped apart by a shark. So. they are stranded. This is where we see our first glimpse of Assertive Rose. Rose who knows the outdoors and she explained why but I kinda lose interest so I can't really tell you what that was all about but one could probably guess that it has something to do with that goddamn St. Olaf. Rose sends the boys off to find water while she makes a fire out of denture cream and depends. just kidding, I stopped paying attention at that part also. there was some deep emotional part, but my 12 year old son came in the room, blocked my view to the tv, started to do some high kicks and jumps screaming "give me a "B"! Give me an "A" give me a "B" give me an "A"! Whats that spell? BABA! BABA! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay BABA!"
he is strange.
so I missed that part. next thing I know is that the boys come back with...cocktails complete with umbrellas! there happens to be a Hilton on the other side of the island and....The boys even made them reservations! Hurray!

OK. cultural relevance time. I am a big fan of Priceline, bidding on hotels with ridiculously low prices. I typically make sure that I click the 3 stars and up button because who wants to stay in a shanty? Well, needless to say, I erred and clicked on "1 star hotel" and my bid of $45 was accepted. They DID upgrade me to a 2 star hotel, however, which in Pittsburgh translates to an extended stay america right off the toll road. with one queen bed. not gonna happen. However, and now this makes me seem less generous, a friend of mine in Pittsburgh lives in an absolute migraine maker of a house with 2 roommates, one child and a little dog and a huge dog. So she was happy to take a free hotel room off my hands.  So then I had the pain in the ass of doing the whole thing again to get the hotel that we always stay in, some Marriot in Monroeville. thank god. I don't like experiencing new things that I will have to sleep in. 

The hellacious hotel the Rose booked was arranged through a travel agent who recommended that she pay for everything up front. Oy! I am 31 and have used a travel agent ONCE. For my honeymoon because I didn't want to deal with that crap on top of, you know, the panic associated with attaching yourself to someone for LIFE.
Anyway. Maybe Rose was on to something. Travel Agents are coming back!  Apparently people don't like booking 2 hotels to get one suitable to stay in. huh. imagine that. Oh, and embarrassingly enough I have done this more than once! HA! crack kills.

 Isn't it funny to think of Rose booking a vacation on Expedia? the computer she would have used would have looked a little something like this:

PLUS Al Gore didn't even INVENT the internet yet, so really the whole thing is preposterous. What is that thing above the keyboard? a built in fan? an air conditioning vent?

Anyway. What do you think? travel agent? internet?